To See
by Phoenix Phyre
Summary: MWPP-era, Sirius/Remus get-together. Sirius and Remus hide their feelings for one another from each other, afraid of ruining their friendship. But after stumbling across James and Lily during a private moment, Sirius thinks he might have a shot...


Something I found in my dusty old writing cabinet. :D I wrote this at music camp by hand while missing my boys. Do review, please. Enjoy!

* * *

"Prongs. Prongs!" Sirius poked James in the ribs, who yelped and turned to glare at him.

"What?"

Sirius laughed. "Keep making doe eyes like that at Evans, mate, and your animangus will change genders."

James scowled. "I am _not_ making doe eyes." He glanced at Lily, but she was blithely unaware of him.

"Are. You're also _fawning_, you bloody ungulate."

"Shut up, house pet," James snapped.

Sirius grinned and looked at Remus. "If I ever get like _Messer. Prongs_ over anyone like he is over Lily Evans, bite me. Hard." He tossed his long black hair.

He was so beautiful. So untouchable. Remus laughed with him, but inside he was dying. Sirius would never want him, love him, like Remus did him.

He watched James chase Sirius along the shores of the lake, and smiled sadly. James tackled his quarry and the two tumbled through the grass.

Remus couldn't help but envy James's being that much closer to Sirius. And he hated himself for it.

Just one more reason to hate himself.

* * *

Sirius glanced at James. He was doodling on his history notes. The notes consisted of a single date and a misspelled name. The doodles consisted of a large stag jumping over a heart around the initials "JP" and "LE".

Sirius glanced at Peter. He was dozing on his open book, drooling slightly on a picture of Olaf the Odd, who was looking mildly peeved at this.

Then Sirius glanced at Remus. He was the only one in class who ever managed to stay awake, though often requiring the aid of a Whizzpop or some other distracting candy. His golden eyes were serious and focused, screened by the long soft fronds of his bangs, as he bent in concentration over his notes.

Sirius couldn't look away.

Always so serious, his Remus. Even when they joked around or pulled a particularly hilarious stunt, he was always the closest to calmness, the sparkle of mirth shining in his eyes never quite enough to eclipse that constant haunted look, as if he was ever tormented by his own personal demons.

Sirius knew of his demons. He was disgusted at his own helplessness to save him from those demons.

His Remus. He thought of him that way, but only inside his head, never allowing the barest inkling of his feelings to be revealed. He knew Remus trusted him deeply, maybe more so than any other. Sirius did his best to keep Remus safe, to ease his suffering. He allowed himself to show only brotherly affection (Merlin knew he didn't have any for Regulus) for fear that if he did reveal his true feelings, he would lose any and all trust Remus had for him.

Suddenly Remus turned to look directly at him, meeting his gaze with unreadable eyes. For a moment, Sirius was frozen, a deer in the headlights. Then Remus smiled at him, that gentle smile which made his eyes glow with a deep trust that Sirius held close to his heart like a fragile blossom.

He was so beautiful. So untouchable. Sirius could never, would never touch him like he wanted to. He would never betray him like that, never cause him more pain than he already endured. He would never destroy the trust he had worked so hard to build. He would merely shelter Remus beneath his wings to try to protect him from his hell, loving him from afar.

That was his own hell.

* * *

Four Marauders had entered the Three Broomsticks that evening. Three hours later, only three left.

"Bloody buggering hell on a biscuit," grumbled Sirius. "_Where_ did Prongs go?"

Remus just smiled.

"What?" demanded Sirius.

"You know perfectly well where he went." There was a hint of amusement in his voice, both at Sirius and at James.

"Yeah, he went to get us drinks," Sirius scowled. "Only he never came back."

Remus merely smiled again. Peter looked between them in confusion.

"Come on," said Remus, "Let's head back."

They spent the trip back to the castle brainstorming on their next full moon escapade, interspersed with intermittent outbursts from Sirius cursing James.

"I'm going down to the kitchens," Sirius announced as they traipsed through the entrance hall.

"Sirius, you just ate all that stuff from Honeydukes! How can you possibly be hungry?" Remus demanded.

Sirius shrugged. "I'm a growing boy." He grinned rakishly. "Coming?"

Remus shook his head. "No. I'm heading up. Peter?"

"Too… t-tired…" Peter yawned. "I'm going up too."

"Suit yourselves," shrugged Sirius. "See you." He turned to leave, waving at them with one hand and running the other casually through his hair.

He couldn't help glancing just once back at Remus, standing with Peter at his side. Their eyes met. Remus was smiling in mild amusement, gazing at him with that look of open trust and affection.

Sirius turned away and pushed through the door, wishing those golden eyes held more than affection.

Remus turned to leave, wishing Sirius could see his heart in his eyes.

Sirius suddenly didn't feel like eating. But he didn't feel like going to the dorms either, because that would mean facing Remus again. So he settled for wandering aimlessly through the castle, lost in his head, thinking of Remus, and thinking that he shouldn't be thinking the things he was thinking.

It wasn't until his ears caught a familiar voice that he roused himself.

It was James.

His voice was coming from a vacant classroom; the door was slightly ajar. Sirius strode toward it, aiming to go in and chew him out, but then he saw the other occupant of the room through the narrow crack—Lily Evans.

He hesitated. He didn't really want to intrude on whatever they were doing, because obviously they wanted to be alone, and especially because he had been at the wrong end of Lily's fiery tongue on more than one occasion.

But something prevented him from leaving. Whether it was curiosity or fascination, something to tease James about incessantly, or perhaps some side of him that wanted to know if James was having any more luck with love than he was. So he watched.

James said something in a low voice to Lily, who giggled, as he produced two bottles of butterbeer and offered one to her. She took it, smiling shyly and speaking quietly. James shifted so Sirius could see his face, watching her as she spoke with a soft smile, and in his eyes was a shining warmth… and something more that Sirius couldn't quite name.

Then James took Lily's hand and kissed it gently. When he raised his eyes again, that same glow was present, almost like his soul was shining from his eyes.

Sirius turned away and leaned back against the wall. He had flirted many times before, but never had he ever done something so… intense. Like the world could end tomorrow and it would be alright because he had done this one thing. That was not flirting. That was what he felt when he held Remus tight after a full moon set, grateful his wounds were few and mild. Or when he sat by the fire at night with Remus close beside him, just watching the play of flickering firelight play across his features as he read, and Remus would turn to smile at him with that look of—

No. That look James had in his eyes… it couldn't be love… could it? Because that would mean—

No. Impossible.

Was it?

He raced for Griffindor Tower.

* * *

Remus didn't even blink when Sirius came pelting into the room. He didn't move at all from his position leaning out of a window of the Astronomy Tower except to turn his head slightly in Sirius's direction.

"Hi," he said quietly.

"Remus, I—" Sirius stopped abruptly, his nerve failing him. He shifted awkwardly. "I… What are you doing here?"

Remus shot him a look that said simultaneously, _You're acting strange,_ and _I could say the same to you._

But instead he answered, "I was restless." He turned to gaze out of the window again at the nearly full waxing moon.

"Ah." Sirius moved beside him. He needed Remus to look at him that way again, to be… to be sure. But how? What caused Remus to look at him that way? He bit his lip. Mostly it seemed it was just when… he wasn't trying to… be anything, but himself.

Wait, Remus had said something. Focus, Sirius. Conversation is good.

"Well… I can think of a few good ways to expend excess energy," he said casually. "Like… a nighttime stroll… stalking Mrs. Norris under James's cloak…" He rattled off the next dozen ways to bust boredom that came to mind.

Remus smiled. That's what he loved about Sirius. No pity, no awkward silence, just complete acceptance and companionable support.

Sirius chanced a look at Remus. His breath caught, trailing off mid-ramble.

Remus was watching him with that look.

The same look with which James had looked at Lily.

The look that he had always thought to be open trust and brotherly affection was really—

So much more.

Could it really be—

Love.

Sirius's mouth was suddenly dry.

"Or I could…" He moved imperceptibly closer until they were a breath apart. A new light was budding in Remus's eyes—was that—

Hope?

"…kiss you."

The light blossomed in—surprise? Joy?

"I think…" Remus's voice was a shaky whisper, "I like… that last idea…"

The last breath between them was breathed away, and their lips met, trembling, tentative, soft.

Remus pulled back enough to meet Sirius's gaze. Sirius was surprised to see a bit of fear in his eyes.

"Sirius, I… I love you."

Then he understood. Remus was afraid he wasn't serious. He smiled warmly. "I love you, too, more than anything in the world."

Relief blossomed over Remus's face in a smile. He leaned in for another kiss, hotter, deeper this time. Sirius smiled softly, bliss singing in his soul.

He had a feeling this was going to be their favorite cure for restlessness.


End file.
